


Here If You Need Me

by Zenece



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7346272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenece/pseuds/Zenece
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>B'Elanna has a hard time dealing with the death of her Maquis friends in the Alpha Quadrant.</p>
<p>Based on S05E03 'Extreme Risk' and <a href="http://belanna42.deviantart.com/art/Janeway-Torres-334932921"> this picture</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here If You Need Me

With her helmet under her arm, B’Elanna stared through the shuttle’s open loading bay, looking down on the clouds of the planet beneath her.  
“Higher.” 

At the helm, the pilot turned around, concern evident in his voice. “Lieutenant, we’re already at two hundred thousand meters. You could thermalize at this altitude.”

B’Elanna didn’t turn her head.  
“I said higher.” There was no emotion discernible in her voice. 

The pilot complied.  
“We’re at three hundred thousand meters.” He spoke informatively a couple of seconds later.

Almost imperceptibly, B’Elanna’s eyes narrowed.  
“Level us off.” She ordered and even though she was on a simulated shuttle on the Holodeck, she still felt the shuttle’s change in direction as the pilot complied. “Computer,” she spoke, “disengage safety protocols.”

“Warning.” The Computer responded dispassionately. “Disengaging safety protocols presents extreme risk of injury.” 

“Override.” Torres stated as she activated the air supply to her helmet and secured it on her head. 

“Acknowledged.” The Computer informed her. “Safety protocols have been disengaged.” 

B’Elanna addressed the pilot again, her voice sounding slightly muffled through the helmet.  
“Drop the forcefield on my mark.” 

“Aye.”

Stepping closer to the forcefield, she moved to the edge of the loading bay. The planet below her seemed immensely far away and she noted she could feel her stomach tighten.  
“Mark.”

The forcefield in front of her shimmered out of existence and B’Elanna could feel the sudden pressure drop, despite the fact that she was wearing a protective suit.  
Without hesitating she leapt forward into the planet’s exosphere, hurtling her body into a vertiginous free-fall towards the planet surface, three hundred thousand meters below her. 

~

“Sorry I’m late.”  
Dressed in his ‘Captain Proton’ outfit, Tom Paris hurried to the entrance of Holodeck One where his friend Harry Kim was waiting for him. 

“That’s alright.” Harry shrugged. “I just got here and the Holodeck is still occupied anyway.” 

With a frown, Tom eyed the door. “Who’s in there?” 

“I haven’t checked yet.” Harry replied, turning to access the panel next to the door. He activated the screen. “The orbital skydiving program is running.” He spoke, tapping the screen. “B’Elanna’s inside.” He added. 

Tom slapped his combadge to inform her that her time was up. “Paris to Torres.”

There was no reply and Tom frowned. B’Elanna, just like most of the crew, usually respected the holodeck schedule.  
“Paris to Torres.” He repeated but the silence remained. 

“Let me try opening a direct channel to the Holodeck.” Harry spoke, manually doing so as he spoke. “Kim to Holodeck One, B’Elanna can you hear me?” 

When there was still no response, Harry shook his head. “The channel is open.” He confirmed to Tom. “And according to the computer B’Elanna should be inside.” 

The men shared a look.  
“You think something is wrong?” Harry asked, worry obvious in his voice. 

Tom hesitated only for a moment, then he nodded to the other man. “Open the door.” 

Without difficulty, Harry managed to override the personal lock and both men entered the Holodeck.  
The decor was an alien desert and a couple of meters ahead of them a figure in a protective suit was lying sprawled out in the sand. The parachute was still attached and was gently moving in the light breeze. 

“B’Elanna!” Tom called out as he and Harry moved closer, but the figure in the sand didn’t move. As a trained medic, Tom immediately understood her condition was serious. Mindful of possible internal injuries he didn’t try to move her, but instead slapped his combadge.  
“Paris to Sickbay, medical emergency!”

~

The Doctor administered a hypospray to B’Elanna’s neck and scanned her as she regained consciousness. 

The half-Klingon’s eyes fluttered open. It took her only a second to realize she was in Sickbay.  
“What am I doing here?” She asked cautiously.

The Doctor finished his scan. “You had an accident on the Holodeck.” He informed her. 

B’Elanna turned her head away from the Doctor. “How long was I out?” She tried to piece together what happened.

“Almost twelve hours.” Came the reply. 

Exhaling briefly, B’Elanna closed her eyes, then slowly sat up.  
“I’d better get back to work.” 

She swung her legs over the side of the bed, but the Doctor stopped her by putting his hand on her shoulder.  
“Not just yet.” 

B’Elanna frowned at him. “Why?” 

“The Captain’s asked me to keep you here.” The EMH replied.

“But I feel fine.” B’Elanna countered just as the doors to Sickbay opened and Janeway strode in. 

“Would you excuse us please, Doctor.” The Captain spoke authoritatively. 

The EMH complied as Janeway made her way to the biobed. 

“Captain, what’s going on?” B’Elanna turned to her superior officer.

Janeway’s eyes narrowed for a moment, scrutinizing the woman in front of her before she spoke.  
“When the Doctor examined you,” she started, speaking concise and articulately, “he found evidence of internal bleeding, fractured vertebrae, contusions, cranial trauma.” 

B’Elanna regarded her with a grave expression, purposely ignoring Janeway’s underlying message.  
“I guess the accident was pretty serious.”

The Captain kept her gaze firmly trained on the woman in front of her. “The injuries I’m talking about didn’t happen recently.” She continued. “Some of them are weeks, even months old.” 

B’Elanna tilted her head and a slight smirk appeared on her face. “Well, I’m an engineer. I’ve had my share of bumps and bruises.” She replied, trying to steer the conversation in another direction.

Janeway wasn’t that easily fooled.  
“But you didn’t seek treatment for any of these.” She countered. 

A slight scowl flashed over the half-Klingon’s face. “I don’t run to Sickbay every time I stub my toe.” 

“Some of these injuries were life-threatening, B’Elanna.” The Captain spoke and next to concern there was also resentment in her voice.

The scowl on B’Elanna’s face now fully broke through. “Do I look like I’m dying?” She sneered, her words now icy.

Janeway chose to ignore the taunt and instead confronted the woman in front of her with something else she’d found out. “The Doctor says many of the wounds were treated by someone with the medical expertise of a first-year nursing student.” 

“Oh, that’s ridiculous.” B’Elanna uttered, but an air of unease gradually settled over her and she willed herself not to wither under the Captain’s scrutinizing look.

“Is it?” Janeway countered, trying to find a way to get through to her Chief Engineer. “We’ve investigated today’s accident.” She continued. “You turned off the safety protocols when you went skydiving. Why?” 

B’Elanna didn’t bat an eyelid as she replied. “There was a problem with the graviton emitters on the Holodeck, so I disengaged the safety protocols to figure out exactly what was wrong.” 

Janeway shook her head. “You don’t really expect me to believe that, do you?” 

The half-Klingon’s eyes narrowed. “Are you calling me a liar?” She asked in low tones.

The tension between the two women was almost tangible in the air. 

“According to the Holodeck logs, you’ve been spending a lot of time there over the last few months.” Janeway continued succinctly. She moved closer to B’Elanna. “If I were to check, would I find that you’ve been running other programs without safety protocols?” A note of worry seeped through in her words.

The other woman’s invasiveness annoyed B’Elanna.  
“Would you like to like to look at my personal logs as well?” She spoke icily.

Half-shaking her head, Janeway realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. “B’Elanna, I’m worried about you.” She spoke with feeling. “If there’s something wrong, I want to help.” 

But her heartfelt words didn’t have the desired effect. 

“Nothing’s wrong. Okay?” B’Elanna insisted wearily. 

“No.” Janeway countered. “It’s not okay.” She eyed the younger woman for a moment, weighing her options. “And until you decide to be more forthcoming, you’ll remain under the Doctor’s supervision.” She paused, noticing at last a small sparkle of anger in the other woman’s eyes, although it quickly vanished.  
“Seven can take your place on the survey mission tomorrow.” She added. “I’m sorry.”

B’Elanna stared at her for a moment, then looked down.  
“I’m not.” She mumbled. 

Frowning, the Captain stepped forward and put her finger underneath B’Elanna’s chin, tilting her head up. She looked the half-Klingon in the eye.  
“Now I know there’s something wrong.” She whispered, holding B’Elanna’s gaze a moment, before turning around and exiting Sickbay, leaving the other woman alone with her thoughts.

~

“You were right.” Chakotay offered when he entered the Captain’s Ready Room. “She’s been running several other programs with the safety protocols turned off.” 

Janeway sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose as she leaned back in her chair.  
“Why would she do that?” She looked up questioningly at Chakotay. “Any ideas?” 

The man shook his head. “I don’t understand it any more than you do.” He spoke gravely.

“I’m worried about her, Chakotay.” The Captain shook her head. “I went to see her in Sickbay but I couldn’t get through to her. She seemed…” Janeway frowned, “not like herself at all.” 

“Did you take her off the survey mission?” Chakotay asked.

The Captain nodded. “Yes. In this state she’s a danger to herself and to others.” Janeway shook her head disbelievingly. “She didn’t even care that Seven will replace her. And you know how anything related to Seven taking over anything she considers to be her ‘domain’ is usually such a sensitive topic with her.”

Chakotay frowned, obviously also worried about his friend’s behavior. “Maybe you should let her go after all.” He shrugged. “Maybe she could use some time away from the ship.” 

Janeway exhaled heavily, massaging her neck. “Couldn’t we all?” She gave her first officer a wry smile, then shook her head. “No, I want to be able to keep an eye on her.” 

Chakotay tilted his head. “In that case,” he spoke friendly, “can I make a suggestion?”

~

B’Elanna was in the turbolift, on her way to the shuttle bay. She’d been released from Sickbay and Chakotay had informed her that she could go on the survey mission after all. 

The news hadn’t really excited her. It had just left her indifferent, like she mostly felt lately. There wasn’t much that seemed to excite her anymore. Every uneventful day seemed to morph into the next, merging into a bland sea of time that held no real meaning. 

Mechanically, B’Elanna entered the shuttle bay and made her way to the Cochrane’s hatch. She opened it and noticed that the shuttle’s systems were already powered up. It looked like Harry had already started the pre-flight check.  
In the back of her mind, B’Elanna remembered a time where she would have considered an away mission with Harry as fun, a bit like a field trip without adults. But right now, try as she might, she found herself indifferent towards him, towards all her friends and colleagues really.

Stepping into the main compartment of the shuttle, the half-Klingon frowned when she saw the Captain sitting in the pilot’s seat instead of Harry. 

Janeway turned around when she heard the Engineer enter.  
“Hello Lieutenant.” She spoke and tilted her head. “I hope you don’t mind that I decided to come along on this mission instead of Harry.” She smiled. “I could do with some time away from the ship.” 

B’Elanna shrugged. “I don’t mind.” She spoke the words carelessly, but she couldn’t help but wonder if Janeway had come along in order to check up on her. She resisted the urge to sigh and instead sat down in the copilot’s seat to assist with the pre-flight check. 

Janeway threw her copilot a brief glance, but then focused on her checks in silence.  
Structural integrity, engines, sensors,… All systems were verified whether they were operating within normal parameters before they took off. 

As the shuttle bay doors opened in front of them, Janeway tapped her console.  
“Shuttlecraft Cochrane to the Bridge, we’re ready to depart.” 

“Acknowledged Captain.” Came Chakotay’s reply. “Safe journey.” 

“Thank you Commander. Janeway out.” The Captain replied, powering up the shuttle’s engines and flying them through the forcefield. Once they cleared Voyager, Janeway plotted a course to the binary quasar they were going to study.

“Course laid in.” She stated briskly and turned to B’Elanna. 

“All systems nominal.” The half-Klingon reported dutifully.  
After a couple of minutes, B’Elanna had nothing further to check and her hands fell to her sides while her gaze became unfocused.  
She had tried to feel some excitement about the away mission, about studying the binary quasar, but even as they were getting closer, she felt no anticipation, no curiosity. It was as if she couldn’t care less. And if B’Elanna really thought about it, she honestly didn’t care. Not about the quasar, not about the mission, but also not about her work, or her friends or her life on Voyager. 

She wondered if there was something wrong with her. Wasn’t she supposed to feel something? She knew it hadn’t always been that way, that she’d felt strongly about a lot of things. But although she could recall the sentiment rationally, it seemed impossible to really feel it. It was like she was out of phase with herself, B’Elanna surmised, experiencing reality, but detached from it at the same time. It seemed like there was some unseen barrier between her and the world, preventing her from being immersed in it.

Sitting at the helm, next to B’Elanna, Janeway took the opportunity to study the other woman and noted how vacant the look in her eyes seemed. The silence that hung over her wasn’t broody, it wasn’t contemplative, it wasn’t comfortable,… It was just empty. Like B’Elanna’s essence had left her and all that remained was the empty shell of her body. 

Janeway frowned. She’d never seen her Chief Engineer in this sort of mood. From what she’d been able to gather, it must have been going on for a while, but B’Elanna seemed to have gone to great lengths to hide whatever she was going through from her friends and colleagues. 

Janeway wracked her brain, trying to find a reason for the Lieutenant’s withdrawn behavior, but she couldn’t recall any specific incident that might have caused such a response in the younger woman. Of course she wasn’t privy to everything that had happened in the half-Klingon’s life, but the fact that even Tom, Harry and Chakotay seemed equally puzzled about B’Elanna’s behavior, led her to think that no one really could have seen it coming.

For lack of a ship’s counselor, they were all responsible for each other’s mental and emotional wellbeing. As the Captain, Kathryn felt that responsibility even more clearly, although her position as Captain probably made her the least suitable person to confide in. Yet, she felt determined to try in this case. She couldn’t explain why, but B’Elanna’s withdrawn attitude troubled her.

Janeway stood up and stretched, her muscles already protesting against the short time she’d been sitting down.  
“I’m going to get something to eat. Do you want anything?” She asked jovially.

B’Elanna slowly looked up at her, seemingly lightyears away.  
“No.” She spoke softly. “Thanks.” She added, as an afterthought, to be polite. 

Janeway opened her mouth as if to comment, but then changed her mind and went aft instead to get something to eat from the replicator. 

When she was out of sight, a small sigh escaped B’Elanna. It was going to be a long trip with the Captain by her side, trying to engage her in small talk when all she really wanted was to be left alone. 

Janeway returned a couple of minutes later with some soup and sat back down. She started eating in silence but in the mean time couldn’t help but quietly observe her companion. Every time she looked at B’Elanna, the same question ran through her mind.

“Did you want to die?” She asked softly before she could think the better of it.

B’Elanna turned around to look at her and frowned. “What?” 

The Captain placed her soup on the console in front of her and slightly turned to the other woman. “On the Holodeck.” She elaborated, trying to keep judgment out of her voice. “When you went skydiving with the safety protocols offline, did you want to kill yourself?” 

B’Elanna rolled her eyes as if the question and the implication simply annoyed her.  
“No.” She stated.

“Then why?” Janeway continued. “Why risk your life that way?” 

It was clear she wanted an explanation from the half-Klingon, but B’Elanna just shrugged, unwilling and unable to give one. 

The gesture suddenly angered the Captain and she reached for her soup again. “I’m just trying to understand.” She spoke, her irritation at B’Elanna’s reaction obvious by her clipped words. 

She took a spoonful of soup to her mouth, but put it back down before eating it.  
“I want to understand,” she reiterated, turning back to B’Elanna, “why you ran those programs with the safeties off if you didn’t intend to kill yourself.” 

B’Elanna could feel Janeway’s intense gaze on her, so powerful it felt like she could look right through her, right into her soul to find the answers she sought.  
Wouldn’t it be handy, B’Elanna thought to herself, if Janeway could do just that. Then maybe she could figure out what was wrong with her and fix her. 

“Your medical records clearly show that you’ve been injured.” The Captain’s voice continued, in an oddly soothing tone. “Was that your purpose? To hurt yourself intentionally?” 

B’Elanna felt the hairs in her neck rise and imperceptibly held her breath at those words. Was Janeway really capable of looking inside her soul?  
“That’s ridiculous.” She uttered lightly, trying to ignore her heart suddenly beating in her chest.

But Janeway had seen the subtle shift in her demeanor. “Is it?” She stated softly and leaned closer to the Lieutenant.  
“Look me in the eye and tell me that’s not what you’ve been doing.” She urged. 

Save from the clenching of her jaw, B’Elanna remained motionless, staring into the darkness of space through the shuttle window in front of her, hoping against hope that Janeway would stop looking into her soul and just leave her alone. 

The Captain placed her hand on the half-Klingon’s arm. “B’Elanna.” She pressed again. “Have you been hurting yourself on purpose?”  
She could feel the muscles of B’Elanna’s arm twitch underneath her hand and swallowed, taking the involuntary movement as a sign of admission. 

“Why?” She breathed, reaching out to turn the half-Klingon’s face towards her so she could see the truth in B’Elanna’s eyes. 

But as soon as she touched her cheek, B’Elanna seemed to explode, releasing all her pent-up energy as she roughly pushed the Captain away.  
“Leave me alone!” 

The sudden movement caused Janeway to lose her balance and fly backwards, landing on the floor of the shuttle and banging her head squarely into the tritanium plating of a console.  
She didn’t get up.

For a second, B’Elanna just stared at her wide-eyed, taking in the unexpected sequence of events. Then she jumped out of her seat and kneeled next to the Captain.

“Fuck.” She uttered, noticing that Janeway was unconscious.  
But then the Captain groaned and as her eyes fluttered open, B’Elanna felt a surge of relief flood through her. 

Janeway focused on the half-Klingon face floating above her and opened her mouth to say something. Before she could form the words, the pull of the darkness got stronger again and she felt herself sink back into oblivion. 

B’Elanna’s relief was short-lived as unconsciousness reclaimed the Captain. A feeling of dread nestled in the pit of her stomach and strengthened its hold on her when she grabbed a tricorder and scanned the older woman. The readings clearly showed that Janeway’s impact had caused an epidural hematoma and her intracranial pressure was rising rapidly because of that. B’Elanna knew it meant that she needed medical assistance sooner rather than later. 

“Computer,” the half-Klingon yelled urgently, “bring us about and change our heading to Voyager’s last known coordinates, maximum warp!”

Her anxiety lessened somewhat as the computer acknowledged her command and she felt the shuttle lurch to the side to head back. 

The Captain looked very pale and fragile lying on the shuttle floor and B’Elanna subconsciously reached out to hold her hand in her own.  
“You’ll be alright.” She whispered, more to comfort herself rather than the Captain who couldn’t hear her anyway. 

It seemed to take forever before the console beeped, indicating that they had detected Voyager on sensors.

~ ~ ~

Uncharacteristically, B’Ellana dragged her feet as she neared the Captain’s quarters.  
Although she had to go in there, needed to in fact, part of her also dreaded facing the other woman. 

Nervously, she pressed the doorchime and took a deep breath when the doors opened to grant her access. 

The Captain put down the book she’d been reading and looked up at the half-Klingon standing in her doorway with a neutral expression. 

Before she lost her wits, B’Elanna took one step further inside, allowing the doors to close behind her but remained silent. 

“Lieutenant.” Janeway nodded by way of starting the conversation. 

“Captain.” B’Elanna replied. “I…” She stopped for a moment, unsure how to continue as she tried to gauge the reaction of the woman in front of her.  
She didn’t seem too hostile, B’Elanna thought as her stomach churned. 

Janeway looked at her expectantly and gave an imperceptible nod, encouraging her to say what she had to say. The expression on her face was almost inviting.

And suddenly, in a flash, B’Elanna remembered that face the way it had been on the shuttle when she fell. There had been a mixture of surprise and shock before she impacted the console plating. She hadn’t seen it coming, hadn’t had the time to brace herself for impact.

The memory brought back the sickening feeling B’Elanna had felt right there and then and she opened her mouth to speak. “Captain I’m sorry.” She blurted out now that she stood in front of her superior officer. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, didn’t mean to push you so hard. I…” She choked on the rest of her sentence as her hand flew to her mouth. “I didn’t mean to…” She whispered, reaching out for the backrest of a nearby chair to compensate for the feeling that her knees were suddenly about to give out.

Janeway looked at her and frowned. “It’s alright B’Elanna. I’ll live.” She threw the woman a wry grin. “I might have a splitting headache for a while, but I’ll live.” 

Although the Captain had said it in a non-accusatory tone, B’Elanna’s eyes still widened. “I’m so sorry.” She reiterated ashamedly. “I didn’t mean to cause you pain. I… Oh God.” Again she lost her words and turned away from the Captain. 

Troubled by the half-Klingon’s behavior, Janeway got up with some effort and moved to the other woman.  
“I told you it’s alright.” She whispered softly and reached out -mindful of the last time she’d attempted such a gesture- and gently squeezed B’Elanna’s shoulder. 

This time, the half-Klingon surprised her by turning around and putting her arms around her neck, seemingly holding on to her for dear life. 

Janeway’s eyes widened and for a moment she didn’t know what to do. B’Elanna wasn’t crying, but she seemed to be shaking, and she was clinging to her like she would never let go.  
Then the Captain gently wrapped her arms around the half-Klingon and returned the hug. 

They stood like that for a long moment until B’Elanna marginally relaxed her grip.  
Janeway led them both to the couch, guiding the other woman to sit down next to her. 

“Are you okay?” She asked, concerned. “Would you like some water?” 

B’Elanna shook her head, staring at her hands in her lap.  
“You were right.” She whispered, so softly that Janeway could barely hear it.  
“On the Holodeck, I ran those programs without the safeties because… I…” B’Elanna’s voice faltered a bit but she took a deep breath and continued. “I wanted to… hurt myself. So I could feel something. You know?” 

As she looked up, B’Elanna searched for a trace of understanding on the Captain’s face. Although she couldn’t find any, the face of the woman sitting next to her didn’t hold judgment either. Instead it was open, with a trace of worry in the steely blue eyes. 

“Tell me.” Janeway spoke softly. 

B’Elanna bit her lip but her last reservations vanished when Janeway nodded encouragingly at her. 

“I’m not trying to kill myself.” The half-Klingon spoke slowly. “I’m trying to see if I’m still alive.” She frowned for a moment, thinking how to word it right. “It’s like I’m… dead inside. I don’t seem to feel anything anymore. Not about my job, my friends, being here on Voyager, the life I had in the Alpha quandrant…” B’Elanna trailed off. “I don’t care about any of it.” 

Gently, Janeway reached out and placed her hand on B’Elanna’s knee.  
“I don’t think you would be here right now if you didn’t care.” She spoke thoughtfully. 

B’Elanna looked up at the face of the woman next to her, realizing all of a sudden how much her statement was in fact true. What happened in the shuttle had touched her deeply. The knowledge that she’d hurt the Captain like that, could’ve killed her even, had been almost unbearable and the relief that she was okay had been quickly followed by guilt and shame. The experience had not been a pleasant one, but indeed it had evoked a lot of feelings in her. And she couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. 

She bit her lip. “Do you really think so?” She whispered, unsure of herself, doubting that she indeed still had the ability to feel something. 

Janeway scooted closer and grabbed the younger woman’s hand.  
“We’re in an unusual situation B’Elanna.” She spoke softly. “Stranded in the Delta Quadrant… It affects us all in some way or another.” She squeezed B’Elanna’s hand comfortingly. 

The half-Klingon looked down at the Captain’s hand in her own.  
“How does it affect you?” She blurted out. 

Janeway looked taken aback for a moment, and B’Elanna was just about to mumble some kind of apology for being out of line, when she answered, surprisingly honest.  
“I get lonely.” 

B’Elanna studied her for a moment. “Makes sense, I guess.” 

Janeway shrugged. “I’m the Captain.” She spoke matter-of-factly. “It comes with the job.”  
There was a kind of resignation in her voice.

“How do you deal with it?” B’Elanna asked with a frown. 

There was a moment of silence and B’Elanna wondered if her question was out of line. Again, she was about to apologize when Janeway looked up at her, her expression vulnerable.  
“I don’t, mostly.”

B’Elanna held her gaze for a moment before the Captain looked away, suddenly self-conscious. 

“Do you want to go out, to get a drink on the Holodeck?” She proposed, feeling the need to show the other woman that she wasn’t all alone. 

The Captain threw her an unreadable look. 

“I thought maybe we could help each other.” She explained. “You remind me I can still feel, I want to show you that you’re not alone…” She offered, hesitantly, unable to accurately gauge Janeway’s reaction. 

To her surprise the Captain started laughing. “I’d love to…” She grinned. “But… I took away your Holodeck privileges, didn’t I?” 

B’Elanna’s face fell. “Oh, right.” She stammered.

Janeway squeezed her hand. “I think for the duration of the evening I can restore them.” She spoke. “After all I’ll be supervising you myself.” 

“Are you sure?” B’Elanna frowned, actually surprised that the other woman seemed game for this.

The Captain got up from the couch.  
“Let’s go.” She grinned.

~

“What will it be?” The bartender asked as he cleaned the bar in front of them. 

“Brandy.” Janeway replied. “Make it a synthehol one.” She added immediately.

B’Elanna raised her eyebrow questioningly.

“I don’t think alcohol with a head injury is a good idea.” The Captain explained lightly. 

“Right.” B’Elanna nodded and signaled the bartender. “I’ll have the same.” 

The Captain looked around the bar and back to her companion.  
“Do you come here often?” She inquired politely, looking around. 

B’Elanna shrugged. “It’s been a while.” She answered. “Tom and Harry prefer Sandrine’s because it has a pool table.”  
She briefly wondered if it had been a good idea to take the Captain here. Their conversation seemed a bit uneasy. 

“I love this light.” Janeway spoke a moment later and B’Elanna smiled. It was exactly that reason why she liked this bar too. The light fixture at the ceiling was made of an intricate honey-colored glass design, which bathed the entire bar in an unusual amber glow. It gave the place a surreal but oddly soothing feel.

“The light in the real bar on Kessik IV is even better.” B’Elanna tilted her head. “I never managed to program it quite right.” 

“I didn’t realize that this was made after a real bar.” The Captain said lightly and grinned. “You must have spent a lot of time in the original bar, considering you managed to program the intricacies of the light here as well as you have.” 

B’Elanna shrugged. “When you get kicked out of the Academy and you’re angry and looking for trouble, this place is as good as any to start.” She chuckled mirthlessly. “Yep, got into trouble here more than I care to remember.” She sighed. “Luckily the Maquis gave me a direction for all my anger.” 

The Captain took a sip of her drink and tilted her head slightly to the right. “Are you still angry?” She asked.

B’Elanna pensively toyed with her glass, letting the amber colored liquid roll around in it.  
“I was angry with you when we got here.” She stated.

“I know.” Janeway replied. “But you’re not anymore.” 

B’Elanna shrugged and took a sip of her brandy. “What would be the point…”  
It was a statement, not a question. 

“So you’ve forgiven me for getting us stranded here?” The Captain stated. “Just like you’ve forgiven Starfleet for kicking you out of the Academy? Forgiven the Cardassians for the Occupation of Bajor?” She added, watching the other woman’s reaction closely. 

B’Elanna tensed a bit as she looked at her glass, but then shrugged. 

Janeway’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve forgiven yourself for pushing me in that shuttlecraft?” She added quietly. 

The half-Klingon’s eyes shot up, a tormented expression in them. 

“There it is.” Janeway continued softly, placing her hand over B’Elanna’s. “See? There are still feelings inside of you. Anger, pain, guilt, regret. Not the most pleasant of feelings, but feelings no less.” She gently squeezed the other woman’s hand. “Same goes for joy, caring, love,… It’s all still inside you, ready to be felt, if you let it.” 

B’Elanna bit her lip and took a deep breath.  
“I want to believe you.” 

The Captain threw her a smile. “It’s there.” 

Nodding pensively, the half-Klingon emptied her drink and signaled the bartender for another. For a moment, she eyed the other woman’s face in the soft glow of the amber light.

“You are right about one thing.” She spoke when the full glass was placed in front of her. “I have forgiven you for stranding us here.” She paused for a moment to take a sip. “And so has every member of this crew, you know.” She added. 

The Captain gave her a wary smile. “That’s nice of you to say.” She spoke, emptying her first drink with one last swig. “But I’ll always be the one responsible for stranding everyone here, robbing you of your lives and loved ones in the Alpha Quadrant.” 

The weariness in the other woman’s voice struck B’Elanna, much like it had when Janeway had divulged being lonely, earlier in her quarters.

“It’s not that bad…” The half-Klingon offered, trying to sound confident. “There are good things about being here.” 

The Captain’s eyebrow rose and she snorted without comment. 

“We never would have met Neelix and Kes.” B’Elanna started hesitantly. “Seven would still be a Borg drone. The Doctor would still only be a collection of subroutines…” She faltered. 

“You think that evens it out?” The Captain asked quietly. “That all this makes up for the loss and the pain?”

B’Elanna frowned. “Friendships have been formed here. Relationships even.” She tilted her head. “We may have lost things, but we found a lot as well.” 

Janeway shook her head. “Did you?” She asked. “You jumped out of a shuttle on the Holodeck without safeties. What good things have you found in the Delta Quadrant?” 

B’Elanna forcefully put her glass down on the bar. “I would have been dead for sure by now in the Alpha Quadrant.” She spoke. “Slaughtered, just like all my friends.” 

The words hung in the air for a moment, as the Captain was taken aback by the casualness by which they were spoken. But then she figured that B’Elanna’s bluntness was probably due to her inability to deal with her feelings. 

Kathryn placed her hand on the other woman’s arm.  
“I’m sorry for your loss.” She spoke softly. 

B’Elanna didn’t move.  
A couple of weeks ago, right after Chakotay had told her about the fate of her friends, she’d been angry. And then she had cried. But after that she’d pushed the feelings of loss away. So deep it seemed, that she hadn’t been able to feel anything anymore when she thought about her friends. Or about anything else in her life for that matter. 

But now, suddenly, the loss of her friends seemed to sting just as much as it had back then, rising up in her throat, like bile. It was a nauseating and utterly unpleasant experience and she swallowed, unsuccessfully trying to hold it back. 

A sob escaped her and she covered her face with her hands in a final effort to keep her tears at bay but it was no use. B’Elanna’s shoulders shook as she cried, for the first time in what seemed like ages, feeling the loss of her friends, her family and her life in the Alpha Quadrant more keenly now than she could remember ever feeling. 

She vaguely noticed the Captain getting off her barstool and moving to stand next to her. The gently hands stroking her back and the warmth of the body so close to her, made B’Elanna seek comfort with the other woman. She leaned in against Kathryn’s chest and fresh tears welled up in her eyes as she felt the Captain’s arms circle around her to pull her closer. 

“I’ve lost everything I’ve ever cared about in my life.” She sniffled when she felt coherent enough to speak, safely ensconced in the other woman’s embrace. “When I was six, my father walked out on me. When I was nineteen, I got kicked out of Starfleet.” She sniffed. “A few years later I got pulled into the Delta Quadrant and just when I started to feel safe here, I heard all my friends back home got slaughtered.” She chuckled mirthlessly. “The way I figure it, I’ve lost every family I’ve ever had.” 

Janeway tightened her hold on the half-Klingon and her voice was rough with emotion when she whispered. “We’re your family now. You’re stuck with us.” 

B’Elanna reached for a napkin on the bar and blew her nose. “You can’t promise me that.” 

The Captain eyed her kindly and tilted her head. “No I suppose I can’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that we love you and that we’re here for you, no matter what.” She reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of the other woman’s face. “All you have to do is let us.” 

Rolling the napkin into a little ball, B’Elanna nodded once and sat up to throw it into the bin behind the bar.  
“I’m oddly comforted by the fact that you didn’t run for the nearest exit when I started bawling my eyes out.” She sniffed and then grinned. 

Janeway smiled. “I revoked your Holodeck privileges, remember?” She spoke teasingly. “I can’t leave you in here all by yourself.” 

B’Elanna rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Of course.” 

“Feeling better?” Kathryn asked, semi-serious again.

B’Elanna pondered the question. “I’m… feeling.” She spoke. “I guess that’s a start.”

The Captain patted her back and emptied her drink.  
“You’ll be alright.” 

B’Elanna also took a sip and looked at the other woman over the rim of her glass.  
“And what about you?” She asked softly. “Will you be alright?” 

Janeway didn’t look at her, but instead toyed with her empty glass.  
“I’m fine.” 

“This crew loves you too, you know.” B’Elanna whispered. “We don’t want you to feel lonely.” 

“I’ll be alright, B’Elanna, okay?” The Captain replied, uncomfortable having her own personal life under scrutiny. 

The half-Klingon bit her lip. She wanted to say more, felt the need to address the issue, but the other woman clearly thought otherwise.  
She decided to drop it, but to keep an eye on her Captain in the coming days. 

With an apologetic smile she gestured at Janeway’s empty glass.  
“You want another drink?” 

The Captain shook her head.  
“I think we should call it a night, don’t you? I’m sure the Doctor wouldn’t approve of me being up this late, drinking.” 

“You’re right.” B’Elanna agreed and she finished her own drink. 

“Hey.” Janeway grabbed B’Elanna’s hand, not wanting the other woman to think she was just dismissing her. “I’m glad we had this conversation.” She smiled. 

B’Elanna looked up at her, studying the other woman’s features, softened by the amber colored light. On a whim she reached out and hugged her.

Kathryn hesitated for a moment, but then wrapped her arms around the half-Klingon and returned the hug with a force that surprised herself.

~

A couple of days later, B’Elanna was having lunch with Tom and Harry in the Mess Hall. 

Since her talk with the Captain, she’d thought a lot about her life and the people in it. Little by little, she was discovering that she still cared about her job and the life she’d built on Voyager. She’d carefully started to reach out again to the people around her and when she’d received only warm and caring responses, it had been increasingly easier to let them in. 

Next to her, Tom and Harry were laughing and it surprised her how much she again enjoyed just hanging out with them, listening to their stories and rolling her eyes good-naturedly at their antics. 

“So Seven said she would come this evening.” Tom smirked. 

“To Poker Night?” Harry’s eyebrows shot up.

“Yep.” The blond man nodded. “I told her I would teach her.” 

Harry and B’Elanna traded a look.  
“You mean you’re going to hustle her.” Harry shook his head. 

Tom snorted. “She said she would go over the rules, to prepare, so I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to hustle her.” 

Harry made some other comment, but B’Elanna didn’t listen. Her eyes fell on the Captain entering the Mess Hall. She watched her as the other woman went to the counter to get a bowl of Neelix’s soup. 

B’Elanna hadn’t seen her since they’d had a drink on the Holodeck.  
The conversation they’d shared then, now played through her mind and she remembered Janeway confessing that she felt lonely sometimes.  
So when the other woman turned around at the counter looking for a place to sit, B’Elanna raised her hand and waved her over. 

To her satisfaction, Janeway approached their table and sat down on the proffered seat.  
“Captain.” B’Elanna greeted her kindly. “How are you?”

Janeway looked around the table and greeted everyone as she sat down.  
“I’m doing alright, thanks. It’s good to be back on duty.” She replied and leaned a little closer to the half-Klingon. “How are you?” She asked more privately as Tom and Harry continued their conversation.

B’Elanna gave the Captain a lopsided grin. “I’m getting there.” She shrugged. “It’s impossible to be gloomy in the presence of these two.” She pointed at the other men in animated conversation.

“What are you two so excited about?” The Captain smiled at them. 

“It’s poker night tonight.” Harry explained. “Seven is coming too.” 

Janeway raised her eyebrows. “Seven? Does she know how to play poker?” 

Tom grinned. “Well, we’re going to find out. I’m thinking she’ll either be very good or very bad at it. In any case, it will be fun.” 

“What about you Captain?” Harry asked enthusiastically. “Do you know how to play?” 

Janeway tilted her head. “I’m not very good at it.” She confessed, but Tom snorted. 

“I seem to remember you saying the same thing about pool once, right before you kicked my ass at it.” He retorted, feigning a hurt look.

The Captain threw him a sly grin. “Are you afraid I’ll hustle you again?” 

“Not in the slightest.” Tom replied with a cocky grin. “I’ll show you tonight who the real hustler is.” 

Janeway grinned. “Well, thanks for the invitation, but I’m going to pass.” She declined politely. “Another time perhaps.” 

“I’ll hold you to that.” Tom smiled back, as he got up to resume his shift.

~

A couple of hours later, B’Elanna entered the Captain’s Ready Room, holding a PADD. 

Janeway gave her a friendly smile yet raised her eyebrows in silent question.

“I thought you might like an Engineering update, now that you’re back on duty.” B’Elanna explained her presence while handing the PADD to the other woman. 

“Thanks.” The Captain nodded, browsing through the report. “Anything else?” She asked, noticing how B’Elanna seemed to be hovering at her desk. 

B’Elanna frowned and hesitated for a moment, not entirely sure how to phrase her concern. “Are you sure you’re not coming to poker night this evening?”  
Before Janeway could answer, she continued. “I mean, I didn’t ask Tom to ask you, if that’s what you were thinking. He wants you to come, so does Harry.” 

“Okay…” The Captain tilted her head, not entirely sure why B’Elanna was telling her all that. 

“So you’ll come?” The half-Klingon asked.

Janeway shook her head. “No, I prefer to spend some quiet time alone, reading.” 

“Are you sure?” B’Elanna responded.

The Captain’s eyes narrowed. “Why are you so adamant to get me to poker night?” 

“I’m not.” B’Elanna held up her hands. “I just don’t understand why you would turn down a nice evening with people you like just so to sit alone in your quarters, which you do almost every night.” 

Janeway leaned back in her chair. “I’m not sure I appreciate you meddling in my personal life.” 

B’Elanna frowned at the cold tone in her superior officer’s voice. “I’m not trying to meddle.” She uttered, confused. “You said you were lonely. I just want to help…” She drifted off.

The Captain briefly closed her eyes and sighed, suddenly understanding. B’Elanna thought she felt isolated from the crew and wanted her to bond with them.  
“Alright.” Janeway conceded, wondering how she could put a stop to that plan, and others to come. “Thank you for trying to help, but I just… I’m acutally quite happy with my social life.”

B’Elanna’s frown deepened at the words and she shook her head. “I don’t understand. So you’re not lonely?” She took a step back, remembering the Captain’s confession a couple of days ago in her quarters. Had it been a lie? She needed to know. “Then why did you say you were? Did you even mean it?” 

The obvious hurt in B’Elanna’s voice struck the Captain and she got up from her chair, but hesitated before rounding her desk. She stopped, leaning on her desk with one hand.  
“I meant it.” She whispered. “But in a different way.” 

B’Elanna tilted her head. “In what way?” 

Kathryn rubbed her face with her hand and sighed, realizing that the other woman was not going to drop it.  
“I meant… I didn’t mean…” She bit her lip. “I have enough friendships, B’Elanna. I regularly have dinner with Chakotay. I have philosophical discussions with Tuvok. I play Velocity with Seven. I go to Neelix’s parties and even occasionally go to Sandrine’s on the Holodeck.” She shrugged. “I’ve developed a good social routine that I enjoy very much, in fact.” 

“So if you’re happy with your social life then…?” The half-Klingon offered, not understanding it at all anymore. 

Kathryn looked down at her own hands.  
“I miss companionship… the closeness of a relationship, I suppose.” She whispered and then shrugged. “But that’s just how it’s going to be, here in the Delta Quadrant.” She spoke more steadily and then turned away, heading for the replicator to order a cup of coffee. 

“Oh.” B’Elanna remained silent for a moment as the meaning of the other woman’s words sank in.  
“Who says it has to be that way?” She asked brazenly after a moment. “Just because you’re the Captain doesn’t mean that you have to be celibate for what could be the rest of your life.” 

“Mhm, perhaps.” Janeway looked over the rim of her cup of coffee and raised her eyebrows. “But you’re overlooking one small practical detail.” 

B’Elanna tilted her head in question, ready to defend the other woman’s right to have a relationship even if it would be against Starfleet protocol. 

“There is no one here I consider a possible partner.” The Captain shrugged.

“Oh.” B’Elanna stated. “Well, I thought maybe Chakotay…” She left the rest of the sentence hanging when she saw Janeway shake her head. 

“I know he has feelings for me…” The Captain stated softly. “But as much as I like him, I don’t love him.”  
She looked up to B’Elanna. “I appreciate your efforts to help me, B’Elanna. But this is just something I have to accept.” She shrugged. “Mostly I’m okay with it. Sometimes I’m not. But there’s nothing I can do about it.” 

“I’m sorry.” B’Elanna offered. 

Janeway walked past her, back to her desk again and sat down. “I trust this stays between us?” She spoke, masking the order as a question.

B’Elanna nodded. “Of course.”  
She wanted to say more, but the Captain picked up the PADD B’Elanna had given her in the beginning of their meeting and spoke: “Thank you for the status update, Lieutenant.” 

B’Elanna knew a dismissal when she heard one, so she just nodded and turned around, leaving the conversation and the Captain in the Ready Room.

~ ~ ~

The next day, during the staff meeting, Janeway noticed how withdrawn B’Elanna looked and frowned. Although the other woman seemed to have made progress in the last week, today she didn’t seem quite like herself. 

So after the meeting was finished, Janeway caught the half-Klingon’s attention.  
“Lieutenant, stay a moment, will you?” 

The Captain’s gentle voice pulled B’Elanna’s thoughts to reality and she nodded meekly as her colleagues cleared the Briefing Room. 

Janeway threw her a searching look, a trace of worry clearly present.  
“Everything alright?” She asked softly when they were alone.

The half-Klingon didn’t look at her, but just shrugged. “I’m fine.” 

“B’Elanna…” From Janeway’s tone of voice it was obvious that she wasn’t fooled.  
She reached out to put her hand under the other woman’s chin, gently lifting her head.  
“You know you can talk to me.” 

The Engineer focused on the worried blue eyes in front of her and bit her lip.  
“I guess I’m just having a bad day…” She offered weakly. 

Janeway’s hand found its way to B’Elanna’s shoulder and squeezed it comfortingly.  
“What happened?” 

The half-Klingon swallowed, fighting the tears that were suddenly burning right behind her eyelids.  
“Last night I dreamt I was back with the Maquis and we were being chased by Cardassians.” She closed her eyes. “Li-Paz and Nelson were right behind me, but somehow they got captured. And I saw how those brutes slit their throats… But I couldn’t help them, I…” She sniffed, angrily brushing her hand across her face to hold the tears at bay. “And then I woke up and realized that they were really dead. And I couldn’t help them in real life either.”

“I’m sorry.” The Captain whispered heartfelt.

B’Elanna exhaled heavily, trying to keep her emotions under control. “It was a lot easier when I was just blocking everything out.” She stated, half meaning it.

Janeway tilted her head and gave her a look but before she could say anything, B’Elanna threw her hands in the air and sighed. “I know, I know, that doesn’t solve anything either.” She turned around and closed her eyes. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.” She added dejectedly. 

“It’ll get better…” The Captain offered softly. “I promise.” 

B’Elanna turned around and the pained look in her eyes made Kathryn gather her in her arms for a heartfelt hug. She felt B’Elanna lean in to her, taking comfort from the physical contact and held her a little tighter. 

“It would help if you would just return my Holodeck privileges so I could go and kick the crap out of some Cardassians.” B’Elanna growled softly against the other woman’s shoulder. “With the safeties on.” She added when she felt Janeway tense.

But the Captain still pulled back and held the other woman by the shoulders in front of her, locking onto the half-Klingon’s eyes. “You know I can’t do that.” 

B’Elanna pulled away and turned around, angrily exhaling.

“There are other ways to cope.” Janeway continued softly.

“But none as goddamned effective as knocking some Cardassian lights out.” B’Elanna snarled, looking at the Captain over her shoulder.

Janeway didn’t budge, but instead threw the half-Klingon a compassionate look.  
“Maybe you can talk about this with some of the other Maquis. Knowing that you all share these feelings might help you make peace with how things turned out.”

B’Elanna shrugged angrily. “Talking about it won’t change things.” 

“Neither will beating up holographic Cardassians.” Janeway retorted.

B’Elanna scoffed and shook her head. “If that’s all Captain? I have work to do.” 

With a worried frown, Janeway dismissed her Chief Engineer, hoping she would take her advice after all.

~ 

Sitting on the Bridge, Janeway’s thoughts ran back to B’Elanna from time to time. She was worried about her, but didn’t want to meddle, so she resisted the urge to check up on her. 

She was focusing on the navigational info on her console when her combadge chirped.  
“Doctor to Captain Janeway. Please come to Sickbay.” 

Kathryn made a face at being ordered and tapped her combadge as she got up. “I’m on my way Doctor.” 

The turbolift brought her quickly to Deck five and the Captain walked the short way to Sickbay, wondering why the Doctor had requested her presence. 

Her question was answered when the doors opened and she saw a sullen-looking half-Klingon sitting on the biobed. The Doctor was treating her arm with a deep tissue regenerator. 

“What happened?” Janeway barked.

“I pulled a muscle at the gym.” B’Elanna stated gruffly. 

“Which is exactly what happens when you push yourself too hard.” The Doctor added patronizingly. His comment earned him a glare from B’Elanna, which he chose to ignore.  
Instead he turned to the Captain. “Given her recent history, I thought you’d want to be notified of this injury.”

Janeway inwardly cringed at his complete lack of bedside manner. There were times that the Doctor’s personality subroutines just couldn’t correctly read the situation. She found herself wishing, not for the first time, that there was some kind of counselor on board.

“Well, you’re good as new again.” The Doctor continued, oblivious to Janeway’s thoughts. “Although I must stress that you should refrain from strenuous activities in the coming days.” 

B’Elanna angrily pulled her arm from his grip, stretching and flexing it tentatively. It seemed to function painlessly and she hopped off the biobed.  
“Can I go now?” She spoke through gritted teeth. 

The Doctor righteously crossed his arms and looked pointedly to the Captain. “Medically speaking you’re can leave…” He started. 

“Thank you Doctor.” Janeway cut him off. “Please excuse us.” 

A silence descended over Sickbay as the Doctor returned to his office. Both women stood motionless wondering how the situation would unfold. 

Janeway thought about the previous time in Sickbay when she’d confronted the half-Klingon about her injuries and bit her lip. At that time she’d hidden her worry behind her command mask. This time she had a much clearer view of B’Elanna’s issues and she chose a different approach.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.” She muttered softly in an attempt to diffuse the tension. 

It worked as B’Elanna’s shoulder’s sagged and the scowl disappeared from her face.  
“I only went to the gym to blow off some steam, not to hurt myself. I swear.” She spoke honestly.

Janeway took a few steps closer. “I believe you.” 

Relief flooded the half-Klingon’s face at those words. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, trying to contain the tears that suddenly amassed behind her eyelids. 

The Captain placed a hand on B’Elanna’s upper arm. “Are you okay?” She asked, obviously not talking about the injured arm.

The half-Klingon looked up. “I don’t know.” She whispered, hating the way her lower lip quivered as she spoke. “I just wish I could put this all behind me…” 

Janeway tilted her head, wondering what the best course of action would be as B’Elanna seemed to be stuck in some kind of downward spiral of negative emotions.  
It suddenly dawned on her that there was always one thing that cheered her up tremendously when she couldn’t see the end of the tunnel. 

She grabbed the younger woman’s hand.  
“Come with me.” She spoke resolutely. 

B’Elanna followed her superior officer out of Sickbay and frowned when Janeway ordered the turbolift to Holodeck One. 

“You know, there’s really no point in revoking my Holodeck privileges if you keep dragging me there yourself.” The half-Klingon joked weakly.

Janeway just rolled her eyes. “This is strictly for therapeutic purposes.” She spoke as she activated a program at the console next to the door.  
“Come on.” She grabbed B’Elanna’s hand. 

The half-Klingon looked around as she entered and noticed grassy fields with some flowers, shrubbery and trees. There were walking paths and benches and a small pond a bit farther away. She turned to her companion with a puzzled look on her face. “You took me to a park?” 

Janeway didn’t answer but seemed to be looking around as if searching for something. Then she grinned as a brown haired Irish setter sped towards them and barely slowed down before he jumped up against her, nearly throwing her to the ground.  
“Down boy, down.” Kathryn laughed good-naturedly as she petted him, slightly stooping over so the dog could lick her face. 

After a moment, she straightened again. “Oakley, this is B’Elanna.” She turned to the other woman. “B’Elanna, Oakley.” 

The dog’s tail kept wagging enthusiastically as B’Elanna reached down to pet him. “Hi Oakley.” She spoke. “Well, you’re a pretty boy.” 

The dog acknowledged her compliment by jumping up against her and slobbering his wet tongue all over her face. Despite her surprise, B’Elanna couldn’t help but laugh. 

Janeway grinned too. It really was impossible to be sad or gloomy when Oakley was around.  
“Sorry about that.” She laughed when B’Elanna wiped the dog drool off her face. “He really takes after his mother when it comes to that.” 

B’Elanna looked at the Captain curiously. “His mother?” She enquired, trying to rhyme that statement with the fact that this dog was a hologram.

A wistful smile crossed the other woman’s face.  
“I had a dog back home. Mollie…” Janeway spoke softly, picking up a branch from the ground and catching the dog’s interest. “Fetch, Oakley!” She smiled again as she threw it away. 

The dog ran off, barking happily. 

“Mollie was pregnant when Voyager disappeared.” Kathryn continued, reminiscing. “I missed her a lot, especially knowing she was about to have puppies…” She sighed. “When I programmed this pup, it was as if I had at least some connection to her. Like I had one of her babies…” 

Oakley returned with the branch firmly between his teeth. He threw it at the women’s feet and barked briefly. 

“Good boy!” Janeway patted him on the head and handed the stick to B’Elanna. “Your turn.” 

B’Elanna weighed the branch in her hand, then threw it so far away it landed in the pond. The dog immediately sped away and Janeway laughed. 

“Well, you’ve done it now…” The Captain grinned and she placed her hand on B’Elanna’s back. “Want to sit down?” She pointed to a nearby bench.

As they moved, B’Elanna watched the other woman and noticed how carefree she looked in the sunshine. She wondered how often the Captain came here. But before she could ask, Oakley jumped on her lap to deliver his stick, covering her with his wet fur.

B’Elanna yelped and Oakley topped it off by slobbering his big wet tongue over her face again. 

“Down boy.” Janeway laughed heartily. 

The dog obeyed and climbed off, but then promptly shook his wet fur, causing the both women to shriek in unison as drops of water rained down on them. 

Oakley barked happily and took off to chase a duck that had ventured closer than he liked. 

As they wiped the water from their uniforms, Janeway surreptitiously studied the other woman, noticing how there was still some tension in her posture.  
Then she leaned back in and closed her eyes briefly, enjoying the sunlight on her face. 

“Playing with Oakley always lifts my spirits.” She smiled. “It’s important to have that.” She added in a more serious voice. She turned her head and eyed the woman next to her. “What about you? What puts a smile on your face?” 

B’Elanna bit her lip and tilted her head somewhat as she thought about the question. Then a smile crept around the corners of her mouth.  
“Banana pancakes.” She mumbled. 

At Janeway’s questioning look, she grinned sheepishly. “My grandmother used to make them when I was little.” The half-Klingon tilted her head as she remembered. “My mother hated them. She said that pancakes weren’t proper food, especially not for a Klingon, but I loved them… With maple syrup…” 

B’Elanna closed her eyes as the memory of being in her grandmother’s kitchen, eating pancakes washed over her. She could almost smell the incense her grandmother always burned in the background, she could feel the sturdy wooden tabletop with intricately carved designs that had been in their family for generations beneath her fingertips. And she saw her grandmother, leaning against the stove, watching her grandchild with a mixture of affection and concern. The older woman had always seen B’Elanna’s need for simple acceptance and understood her struggle always being the odd duck out, although she’d never consciously commented on it.

Right there, in that kitchen with her grandmother was the only place she’d ever felt truly safe, B’Elanna realized. 

With a small sigh, she opened her eyes, and noticed how Janeway was quietly studying her.

The older woman reached out to grab her hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze.  
“Banana pancakes.” Kathryn spoke in a low voice. “Hold on to that.” 

B’Elanna swallowed as she nodded, a bit surprised at the compassion evident in the Captain’s expression. She held the other woman’s gaze for a moment, enticed by the understanding they seemed to hold, but then Oakley returned from his duck hunt and the Captain turned her attention back to the holographic animal. 

When the Captain terminated the Holoprogram a little while later, she turned to her companion.  
“Feeling better?” 

The half-Klingon nodded. “Yes. Thank you for this.” She spoke heartfelt.  
Janeway had gone beyond her duty as Captain to help her and B’Elanna truly appreciated that. “Thank you for caring…” 

Janeway placed her hand on B’Elanna’s shoulder. “You’re not alone.” She spoke softly. “I’m here if you need me.” 

The half-Klingon tilted her head. “Thanks.” She said hesitantly, feeling like she’d already imposed enough on the other woman.

“Maybe we could have lunch sometime this week?” Kathryn asked. 

B’Elanna couldn’t help but feel relieved at the Captain’s suggestion. Apparently the other woman hadn’t tired of her yet. 

~ ~ ~

“Well, I have to say I’m surprised you still have time for us simple folk.” Tom jested as B’Elanna dropped down on the seat next to him and poked at her food.

“What do you mean?” The half-Klingon frowned. 

“You usually have lunch with the Captain.” Tom explained. “You’ve been spending a lot of time with here lately. I didn’t think you’d ever grace us with your presence again.” 

“Never mind him.” Harry grinned as B’Elanna rolled her eyes. “That’s just his way of saying we missed you.” 

“I’ve been right here.” B’Elanna riposted. “Just because I had a few meals with the Captain…”

“A few?” Tom cut her off, feigning offense. “You two have been inseparable.” He grinned. “If I didn’t know any better I would think that you two were dating or something, they way you’re focusing on each other.” 

B’Elanna rolled her eyes but swatted him on the chest good-naturedly. “Idiot.”  
She shrugged. “The Captain’s just helped me through a rough time.” She spoke by way of explanation and then paused, leaving her fork dangling in front of her mouth. “It sort of lead to us becoming friends I guess.” 

“What about your old friends?” Tom pouted playfully. “You’re coming to poker night, right?” 

“Wouldn’t miss it.” B’Elanna assured him. “But I’m not playing against Seven. She’s freakishly good and I don’t have that many replicator rations to spare. So put us at different tables, will you?” 

Tom nodded. “Okay, will do.” He’s gaze was drawn to the Mess Hall doors. “Oh hey, here comes your girlfriend.” 

“Oh quit it, Tom.” B’Elanna said annoyed and threw Tom a pointed look wordlessly telling him not to embarrass her when she noticed the Captain was making her way over to their table.  
“Captain.” She greeted Janeway with a smile. 

“Won’t you join us?” Harry asked politely. 

Janeway smiled. “I don’t really have time now, Harry. But thanks.” She turned to B’Elanna. “I’m just passing by to see if you have plans for dinner tonight?” 

Her expression was expectant and for a moment B’Elanna didn’t want to extinguish her enthusiasm but she was acutely aware of Tom’s smirk, so she casually leaned back in her chair. “Actually tonight is poker night…” 

At those words, Janeway’s smile faltered noticeably, but she recovered gracefully by tilting her head. “Alright, no problem, perhaps another time?” 

“Sure.” B’Elanna nodded, feeling bad since the other woman had obviously been looking forward to having dinner with her that evening. 

“You’re welcome to join us for poker night though, Captain.” Tom interjected. 

Janeway smiled apologetically. “Thank you Tom, but some other time.” She checked the chronometer. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting.” She nodded in greeting. “Have fun tonight.” 

When she was out of earshot, Tom turned to B’Elanna. “You did see how she was disappointed that you had other plans, right?” 

B’Elanna held up her hands, shaking her head in annoyance. “You’re reading things into this that just aren’t there Tom.”

Rolling his eyes, Tom turned to Harry. “What do you think?” 

The Asian man shrugged. “I don’t know.” He replied honestly. “I think it’s strange that she doesn’t want to come to poker night. I mean, she could just join us and have some fun. 

“Ha, but you see, Janeway doesn’t want to have fun with us, Harry.” Tom smirked, patting the other man on the shoulder. “She wants private fun with B’Elanna.” 

B’Elanna glared at her friend and pushed back her chair. “You know what, I don’t have to listen to this.” She snarled as she got up and grabbed her plate. “Whatever the Captain does is her own business and it has nothing to do with me. So give it a rest, alright?” 

Tom held up his hands. “Okay, okay.” He spoke. “If you say she’s not your girlfriend, I believe you.” He cocked his head. “But even if she was, so what?” He added slyly. 

Harry laughed and B’Elanna rolled her eyes while she shook her head, refusing to argue with him any longer.  
“See you later boys.” She finished the discussion.

As she headed over to the replicator to recycle her dishes, Tom’s words echoed inside her head. Even though she wasn’t the Captain’s girlfriend, it wasn’t so hard to imagine why Tom might think that she was…  
Deep in thought, she exited the Mess Hall.

~ ~ ~

After a little over an hour of playing poker, B’Elanna had already lost more replicator rations than she’d cared to admit. 

It clearly wasn’t her night. She couldn’t focus on the game. Her thoughts were muddled by the things that Tom had said, which had forced her to confront a couple of things that she’d simply chosen ignored up until now. And now that these realizations had seen the light of day, they couldn’t be ignored again. 

So that’s why, when she left the Mess Hall, she didn’t go to her quarters, but stood at the Captain’s doorstep requesting entrance. 

Janeway’s eyebrows rose when she opened the door and found the half-Klingon standing in the corridor.  
“Shouldn’t you be at poker night?” She asked.

“I already lost all my rations.” B’Elanna mumbled distractedly. “Can I come in?” 

The Captain smiled. “Of course.” She stepped aside to let the other woman in. 

B’Elanna noticed the cheerful note in the other woman’s voice and inwardly sighed.

“Want something to drink?” Janeway asked as she gestured to the couch indicating B’Elanna should have a seat. 

“No thanks.” B’Elanna spoke and Kathryn halted her steps. 

“What’s wrong?” The smile on her face was replaced by a worried frown.

B’Elanna took a deep breath. “Actually, I want to talk to you.” She spoke softly and patted the place on the couch next to her. 

Janeway made her way over and sat down. “This sounds serious.” 

B’Elanna took a moment to try to put her thoughts into some sort of order.  
“I feel like I’ve come a long way these last few weeks.” She started after a moment, wringing her hands. “And I couldn’t have done it without you.”  
Through all of it, Janeway had been her rock, the one solid and firm thing in the wild currents of emotions that she’d been facing lately. 

Kathryn comfortingly placed her hand over B’Elanna’s. “Give yourself some credit…”

The half-Klingon sighed. The last couple of weeks, the other woman had always been there when she felt like she would drown.  
Every time B’Elanna had had one of those horrible nightmares about her Maquis friends being slaughtered, she had tried to deal with it on her own, but it wasn’t until she spoke to the Captain that she felt better.  
“Do I really deserve credit?” She asked doubtfully. “I’ve been leaning so much on you.” She bit her lip. “Too much in fact, I think.”

Janeway frowned and reached out to turn the other woman’s head towards her. “Don’t say that. I’m here for you whenever you need me.” 

B’Elanna studied the other woman’s face for a moment.  
“That’s what worries me.” She spoke softly, but pointedly. “I don’t know how to do this by myself…”  
She really doubted whether she could do it, deal with all of it, without the support of the Captain. But she knew that she needed to at least try.

“What do you mean?” Kathryn asked with a worried frown, not really understanding what the other woman was getting at. “I’m not about to abandon you or anything.” 

“I know.” B’Elanna replied. “But I’m afraid that I’ll never learn to rely on myself this way. And I feel like I need to be able to do that.” 

Kathryn shook her head. “So what are you saying?” 

B’Elanna frowned. “I think it would be best if I kept my distance a bit more and tried to deal with my issues on my own.” She spoke softly.  
If she loosened her ties to the Captain a bit, maybe she could figure out how to navigate the currents of emotion by herself without drowning. She’d feel a lot more secure, knowing she could handle it on her own.

Janeway sat stock-still for a moment and then swallowed. “If that’s what you want…” She croaked. 

The Captain seemed uncharacteristically forlorn and B’Elanna reached out and grabbed her hand to reassure her. “I don’t want to end our friendship.” She pointed out. “I just want to make sure I’m not completely dependent on you.”  
She tilted her head and continued. “We can still do things together. I just need some… emotional space I guess.” 

Janeway looked away and B’Elanna bit her lip.  
“We have been spending a lot of time together lately…” The half-Klingon added softly, remembering Tom’s words and her own conclusions. “I’ve grown too dependent on you.” 

The Captain still didn’t look at her, but exhaled almost inaudibly.  
“I’ll give you space if that’s what you need.” She spoke quietly.  
Her shoulders sagged and B’Elanna wondered for a moment if she was going to cry. 

“Maybe it would also be good for you to spend some time apart from me.” The half-Klingon uttered softly. 

At those words, Kathryn’s head snapped up. “Why would you say that?” 

B’Elanna shrugged. “Because of what you said, a while back, in your Ready Room. That you were lonely and missed the closeness of a relationship…” She frowned. “I think that you might be using our newfound friendship as a surrogacy for that.”  
It was only when she spoke the words out loud that she realized they were probably true.

Again, Janeway turned her gaze away from the half-Klingon, as if silently confirming her words.  
B’Elanna was still holding her hand, and she squeezed it comfortingly. “I understand…” She spoke softly. “But I’m not sure it’s a very healthy way to cope.” 

She half expected the Captain to tell her to mind her own business, or to simply be dismissed because of her words. But Janeway just sat motionless, as if she’d been frozen on the spot. Just when the half-Klingon started wondering what to do, Kathryn turned towards her, her face bearing an unreadable expression that B’Elanna had never seen before. 

She frowned as Janeway reached out to her and let her hand hover in the air, her fingertips only a hair’s breadth away from her cheek, almost like a ghost of a touch.

“You’ve got it all wrong…” Kathryn whispered, as she held the half-Klingon’s gaze with an intensity that threw B’Elanna.

She frowned, puzzled by Janeway’s startling reaction.  
“Wrong how?” B’Elanna asked, searching the other woman’s eyes to understand. 

Kathryn’s gaze almost burned through her and she opened her mouth to say something. But then seemed to think the better of it and snapped it shut as she retracted her hands as she shook her head. She swallowed hard. “Never mind.”  
She took a deep, steadying breath. “You’d like some distance to figure things out for yourself. I understand that and I will respect it.” 

Janeway got up from the couch, but B’Elanna put her hand on her arm, forcing her to turn her around.  
They stood motionless for a moment, eye to eye, and it shocked B’Elanna to see tears in the stormy blue gaze of Kathryn Janeway. It was disconcerting to see this woman, who had been her pillar of strength, trembling and obviously struggling to maintain her composure. 

“What I’d like,” B’Elanna countered, ignoring her rising trepidation, “is to know why you’re crying.” 

She felt like shaking the other woman, wanted to yell at her to keep it together, for both their sakes. Inside, she could feel the current of her own emotions becoming stronger and she wasn’t sure she could keep them both on course.

But then the woman standing in front of her, who B’Elanna had always thought of as unflinching and resolute, bowed her head.  
“Because you’re right.” Kathryn whispered hoarsely. 

Without consciously understanding what Janeway was talking about, B’Elanna knew deep down that something had changed. Yet she frowned as she tried to make logic sense of it all.  
“A minute ago you said I got it all wrong…” She spoke confusedly.

Kathryn looked back up again, her gaze oddly vulnerable.  
“I have been using our friendship as a mock-up for a relationship…” She admitted softly.

B’Elanna frowned at the confession. 

“It didn’t start out that way.” Kathryn continued hastily. “I didn’t intend for our friendship to fill up the void that I’ve had in my life. I honestly never considered that a friendship could fill that void…” She paused for a moment. “And it turns out that it can’t after all because… I’ve realized that the feelings I have for you go deeper than mere friendship…” 

Kathryn’s words suddenly made everything shift into focus for B’Elanna and she inhaled sharply.  
The first thing that came to mind is that Tom was right after all: Kathryn did want to be her girlfriend. And then another thought hit home. How was she ever going to keep her own precarious emotional balance if something like this was thrown into the mix? 

Confused, B’Elanna took two stumbling steps back.  
“I can’t deal with this now.” She mumbled, trying to make sense of all the thoughts and feelings running through her. It almost felt like she was going to drown in them. 

Kathryn reached out and grabbed her hand. “I’m sorry.” She spoke. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” 

Shaking her head, B’Elanna took another few steps back. “I can’t.” She whispered, feeling the urge to yell at the whole world to just leave her alone and give her some time to catch her breath.  
“I can’t…” She repeated soundlessly before taking the last few steps that took her out of the Captain’s quarters.

~ ~ ~

With a scream dying on her lips, B’Elanna sat bolt upright in her bed. She was breathing heavily and it took her a moment to realize that she was in her quarters on Voyager.  
Fragments of images lingered at the edges of her memory and she exhaled deeply, realizing another nightmare was responsible for her distress. 

A bead of sweat trickled along her spine and she shivered, both because of the cold air against her bare and sweaty skin, but also because of the remnants of her bad dream that still gave her a queasy feeling. 

B’Elanna swung her legs over the edge of the mattress and walked to the replicator for a glass of water. This nightmare had been a new variation on the same, recurring theme: the slaughter of her Maquis friends in the Alpha Quadrant. 

It was never the same nightmare twice. Sometimes she and her comrades were being hunted by Cardassians, other times it was more dark and sinister and the screams of her friends being tortured by faceless Dominion rang in her ears all throughout the following day.  
This time she’d been on a mission with Li-Paz and Sahreen when they were ambushed in a cave. Li-Paz was shot right in front of her and the memory of his blood splashing all over her face was almost tangible. 

B’Elanna headed to the sonic shower in an effort to get rid of the unclean feeling.  
The nightmares had plagued her for a while now and she knew from experience that the images would be hard to shake. She sighed as she leaned against the shower wall. How much longer was this going to go on? She just wanted it all to stop. 

B’Elanna knew that sleep was going to elude her for the rest of the night. So, in an effort to turn off the ceaseless stream of contorted images and twisted memories, she got dressed, put on her running shoes and headed to Deck Eight to run laps in the corridors around the Holodeck. 

When she got back to her quarters, she still had enough time before her morning shift in Engineering to change and have breakfast. But since she’d lost most of her food rations during poker night, she opted to go to the Mess Hall to eat. 

It was still relatively early, so there weren’t many people in the Mess Hall yet. B’Elanna didn’t really pay attention and queued absentmindedly to get her tray.

“Everything alright, Lieutenant?” Neelix asked when B’Elanna seemed miles away as he scooped up a healthy portion of eggs.

The half-Klingon nodded distractedly. Her mind was still pleasantly numb from the physical exertion and she wasn’t planning on getting off that high anytime soon. 

“Do you want coffee with that?” The Talaxian asked politely and held up the freshly brewed pot. 

B’Elanna looked at it and couldn’t help but think about the Captain by association. The horrors of her nightmare had effectively blocked any and all thoughts about the other woman. But at the sight of the coffee pot, Janeway’s confession of the previous night came rushing back to her and she breathed in sharply.

“Lieutenant?” Neelix tilted his head. “Do you want coffee, or do you prefer juice?” 

“Juice please.” B’Elanna croaked, trying to ignore the feelings of confusion that were bubbling up inside her. 

She thanked the Talaxian vaguely, grabbed her tray and found a quiet corner to finish her meal. She focused on it with inordinate detail so trying to block out all thoughts of Kathryn or her nightmares. She didn’t feel equipped to deal with either.

During the entire morning she applied the same amount of obsessive concentration on her work in order to rid her mind of all things she didn’t want to think about or feel. 

Lunch with Tom and Harry actually made her smile, and it was almost genuine. So when B’Elanna headed for the Briefing Room for the weekly staff meeting, she felt less gloomy and her inner turmoil seemed to have calmed somewhat. 

She felt the Captain’s eyes on her the minute she entered the room and looked up at her. 

“Lieutenant.” The other woman greeted her quietly.

“Captain.” She nodded in return. Even to her own ears her voice sounded tired and weary. 

Janeway didn’t say anything else, but during the entire meeting B’Elanna could feel the woman casting worried glances in her direction. 

By the time the meeting had ended, she felt drained of all energy again, like it had been sucked out of her. Part of her welcomed the numbness, but another part recognized the addictive nature of that sort of indifference and knew that her previous surrender to apathy had only made things worse in the long run.

After the rest of her duty shift, B’Elanna made her way to her quarters. She planned to change and go to the gym in an effort to exhaust herself a bit more, hoping that a dreamless sleep would follow. 

When she entered her quarters, she heard the telltale sound of her replicator activating and she frowned. Wondering why it would activate without having received her command, she made her way over and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw what the device had produced. 

On a plate sat a stack of banana pancakes, covered with maple syrup. 

B’Elanna bit her lip as she took the plate and placed it on the table. She sat down, eyes transfixed on the food, and stared at it for a long time.  
She didn’t need to check the replicator data to know Kathryn had replicated it for her from her own rations. 

After a while, she picked up her fork, cut off a piece and slowly brought it to her mouth. With her eyes closed, B’Elanna tasted the pancakes and allowed herself to be transported into the past, to her grandmother’s kitchen, at the hard-wooden table with the intricate carvings, the smell of incense in the background. And her grandmother, leaning against the counter, watching over her…

All of a sudden tears were streaming over her face, but B’Elanna didn’t pay attention. She continued to eat the pancakes, savoring the taste and the feeling of her grandmother so close to her, it felt like she could almost touch her. It made her feel loved and looked out for. It made her feel safe. 

After she finished the last bite, B’Elanna leaned back in her chair with her eyes closed. Her breathing became more even and her tears were drying up. And she noticed that the currents of emotion had calmed somewhat. The waves no longer threatened to drown her. 

B’Elanna sighed and got up from her chair. Kathryn’s gift had been a very thoughtful one and she felt the need to thank her in person. 

~ ~ ~

Janeway didn’t seem surprised when the half-Klingon showed up on her doorstep.

“Come in.” She spoke softly, following B’Elanna to the couch and sitting down next to her at a respectable distance. 

B’Elanna looked at the other woman. “Thank you for the pancakes.” 

Kathryn threw her a quick smile. “You looked like you needed some nice memories.” She replied gently.

The half-Klingon nodded seriously. “I did.” 

“Nightmare again?” Janeway guessed correctly, by now able to recognize the haunted look in B’Elanna’s eyes. 

“Yes.” B’Elanna whispered and then swallowed. She hadn’t come here to talk about her nightmares. “I want to apologize for running off last night.” She spoke, briefly catching the other woman’s eyes before looking away again. 

“That’s alright.” Kathryn spoke in a low voice, tinged with insecurity. “I shouldn’t have said anything anyway. You have enough going on as it is.” 

B’Elanna was quiet for a moment, studying the other woman’s face.  
“Do you have feelings for me?” She asked boldly.

The directness of her question seemed to take Kathryn by surprise.  
“I think I might.” She answered after a beat. Her voice was low and husky and in stark contrast with the vulnerability on her face.

Although the Captain had divulged her feelings already the evening before, it was as if only now the meaning of her words fully sank in for B’Elanna and for a moment she felt overwhelmed. Then she frowned. “But you said, before, in your Ready Room, that you didn’t consider anyone on this ship as a potential partner.” 

Janeway tilted her head. “I didn’t know you then the way I do now.” 

“You know me now?” B’Elanna asked, biting her lip. If Kathryn really did, how could she have feelings for her? 

Janeway stared at her intently.  
“I know how strong you are.” She whispered. “How hard you fight. How deeply you feel things…” 

“I’m not strong…” B’Elanna whispered feebly. “If I was, I would be able to just face things.” She added more forcefully, as if disgusted by herself. “You know, take a deep breath and move on.” 

Janeway shook her head. “It takes much more strength to face things than it does to run away from them.” She countered gently and she scooted closer to take the other woman’s hand. “You’re dealing with the death of your friends and comrades. And it isn’t easy. It hurts and it will continue to hurt for a while.” She squeezed the other woman’s hand. “But eventually you will be able to give this a place in your life. By honoring their memory. And one day you will tell their story and make sure that their sacrifice lives on in the deeds of others.” She looked the half-Klingon in the eye. “By running away from all that, their deaths would have been meaningless.”

B’Elanna took a steadying breath. “You think the nightmares will ever go away?” 

“Of course they will.” Kathryn squeezed the other woman’s hand again and lifted her other hand to gently touch her face. “You have an abundance of feeling.” She whispered softly. “It can be a blessing and a curse.”

“How can that be a blessing?” B’Elanna mumbled, her mind still on her dead friends.

Janeway stared at her intently and the half-Klingon wearily looked back. Exhaustion was radiating off her.

“You’ll find out someday.” Kathryn whispered and caressed B’Elanna’s cheek. 

The half-Klingon’s eyes narrowed, wondering if she was reading the other woman right. Fatigue was clouding her judgment and before she could respond in any way, Kathryn retracted her hand.

“I think what you need the most right now is some sleep though.” The Captain spoke gently.

B’Elanna bowed her head. “I’m afraid to sleep.” She uttered before she could think of it.  
The thought of those terrifying scenes that were hauntingly real was less than appealing. The realization that it was just a nightmare usually brought sweet relief, yet then it always dawned on her that her friends had really been slaughtered, probably in a way that was quite similar to the one she’d dreamed about. And that sickening feeling was the worst. 

She looked back up to Janeway, who was giving her a compassionate look, and realized she didn’t want to leave her safe presence. She didn’t have the strength tonight to deal with the horrors produced by her mind on her own tonight.  
“Can I stay here?” She asked, realizing the strangeness of her request only as she voiced the words. “On the couch?”

A frown ghosted over the Captain’s face but she quickly schooled her expression into a neutral one. “Uh, of course…” She offered, albeit a bit hesitant. 

B’Elanna shrugged and got up from the couch. “Forget it. It’s stupid. I have a perfectly good bed in my quarters.” She muttered, taking a few steps in the direction of the door. 

“You don’t want to be alone.” Kathryn spoke softly. 

B’Elanna stopped. And then she turned around. “No, I don’t.” She whispered. 

“Stay here.” The Captain spoke firmly. “It’s no trouble.”  
She stepped closer to B’Elanna, taking the other woman’s hand. “You don’t have to be alone tonight.” 

Biting her lip, B’Elanna finally nodded. “Thanks.”  
She gratefully leaned into the hug Kathryn was offering. She exhaled and felt some of the tension leave her body.  
“I feel safe with you.” She whispered the words so softly both of them were not entirely sure they had even been spoken at all. 

After a moment Kathryn pulled back.  
“Let me get you a pillow and a blanket.” 

She entered her bedroom and came out with the proffered items, placing them on the couch. “Will you be alright here?” She asked softly.

B’Elanna nodded. “Thanks.” 

Kathryn cocked her head and threw the other woman a half-smile. “Sweet dreams…” She whispered.

B’Elanna threw her a wishful look in return and looked at the other woman’s back as she disappeared into her bedroom again, the door closing behind her.  
Then she exhaled and mechanically started taking off her uniform, leaving only the tank top and her panties. 

Fatigue was nestled deep inside her bones and she lay down wearily, hoping that tonight, indeed, only sweet dreams would come.

~ ~ ~

Screaming, B’Elanna jolted upright, wildly looking around in order to catch a glimpse of the Cardassians that had been chasing her.  
She noticed a door opening, saw Kathryn run in her direction while tying her robe and it dawned on her that she’d been dreaming again. 

B’Elanna was still breathing hard when she felt the couch dip down as Kathryn sat down next to her. 

The other woman reached out for her and placed her hand on her arm while she made shushing noises. “It’s alright, you’re safe.”  
Gently, as not to spook her, she drew the half-Klingon into a hug. B’Elanna seemed to resist for a moment, but then gave in, and Kathryn could slowly feel the blind panic lessen in the younger woman’s body.  
She continued to whisper softly in her ear in an effort to calm her down.

Eventually, B’Elanna’s breathing became more normal and Kathryn slightly pulled back. “Are you alright?” She asked. “Do you want some water?”  
She studied the half-Klingon’s face, but the younger woman didn’t really seem to pay attention to what she was saying, so she patted her leg. “I’ll get you some.” 

Before she could get up, B’Elanna firmly grabbed her arm to stop her. “No.” 

Her grip was forceful and Kathryn stared at her with a frown as the other woman kept holding on tightly. 

B’Elanna tilted her head. The Captain’s skin was warm underneath her fingertips and she suddenly noticed how different she looked. The bludgeoning memories from her nightmare receded to the back of her mind and were replaced by an urge to lose herself in the physical sensations that were suddenly setting her blood on fire.

She gently rubbed her thumb over Kathryn’s soft skin and tugged her closer. Before she could consciously think about it, B’Elanna pressed her lips against the other woman’s. She could feel them twitch at the touch. 

B’Elanna pulled back and saw the surprise on Kathryn’s face, together with a sliver of desire that the other woman couldn’t suppress. Their eyes locked for a moment and B’Elanna closed the distance again, growling softly as Kathryn responded this time. 

It was thrilling to feel the warm and inviting mouth on hers, to feel the heat of another body so close to her and B’Elanna wanted more, needed more, so she pulled Janeway on top of her. She reveled in the feeling of being pinned down by the weight of her as they continued their kissing. 

Waves of pleasure lapped at B’Elanna’s brain, and she surrendered to the sensations her body was experiencing. It felt like she’d been given a reprieve from the hardships of life and was invited to celebrate its bliss instead.

B’Elanna let her hands roam all over the other woman’s body and felt the desire rise inside both of them. Through the Captain’s nightgown and placed her hands on the other woman’s buttocks, roughly pulling her against her.

With a gasp Kathryn raised her head and looked down on the half-Klingon, an unspoken question forming in her eyes. “Are you sure?” She whispered, keeping her face hovering just inches above the other woman. 

B’Elanna didn’t answer. Instead she looked the other woman in the eye as she slowly, but determinedly, placed her knee between Kathryn’s legs and watched her as she closed her eyes and moaned in pleasure. 

The move seemed to erase Kathryn’s earlier question from her mind, as she bent down and started kissing the other woman voraciously as she moved her body over B’Elanna’s rhythmically. 

Hands found their way under clothing which was removed between touches and kisses. Kathryn’s flesh seemed to catch fire at her touch and the sensual movements of the body on top of her made B’Elanna drunk with anticipation. 

Kathryn’s fingers touched her and almost immediately entered her, making B’Elanna growl in pleasure. Their rhythm changed, became more urgent as they writhed against each other, looking for the high they both desperately needed. 

Soft moans filled the room, growing in urgency as their movements became more insistent. Kathryn’s body jerked and her fingers twitched deep inside B’Elanna. Both of them teetered over the edge, erratic movements eliciting hisses as well as cries of pleasure. 

And then they both lay still, panting heavily as they slowly recovered and B’Elanna continued to revel in the sensation of the other woman’s body heavy on top of her. It seemed like that was the only thing keeping her from floating away into the heavens.  
It felt like the darkness couldn’t touch her anymore. 

On top of her, Kathryn stirred and lifted her head. Her cheeks were rosy, her lips slightly swollen and her pupils dilated in the dim light. She was truly beautiful, B’Elanna thought, and the smoldering heat inside her flared up so brightly that it suddenly scared her. She knew for a fact that this fire had the potential to be all consuming. What would happen to her if it burned too hot? 

“Are you okay?” She heard Kathryn ask softly. 

“I don’t know.” B’Elanna whispered honestly.

Kathryn gave her an odd look and then closed her eyes and got off her, reaching for her nightgown. “I took advantage of you. I’m sorry.” 

With a frown B’Elanna sat up as well. “But I was the one who kissed you…” She countered. 

“And I should have stopped it right there and then.” Kathryn replied in a strained voice, covering her body. 

B’Elanna grabbed the other woman’s hand before she could get away. “I’m glad you didn’t…” 

Confused, Kathryn looked up, searching the half-Klingon’s face. “Do you really mean that?” 

“Yes…” B’Elanna spoke and she squeezed the other woman’s hand as Kathryn exhaled in relief. But the lack of confidence in the half-Klingon’s voice told her there was something else. “So what’s wrong then?” 

B’Elanna bit her lip and looked down. “What if this goes wrong?” She whispered.

“Why would it go wrong?” Kathryn asked, frowning.

With a sigh, B’Elanna got up from the couch and staggered to the window stark naked. “I’m not exactly in a stable phase of my life right now…” She pointed out. “In fact I’m an emotional wreck.” 

Kathryn moved in to stand beside her and placed her hand between the half-Klingon’s shoulder blades. “You’re not.” 

B’Elanna turned to her. “I jumped out of a shuttle without safeties. I’ve been so numb that I wasn’t even sure I was alive. I wake up every night, screaming because I have terrifying nightmares about my dead friends.” She shrugged angrily. “Does that sound stable to you?” 

“It sounds to me like you could use a little love.” Kathryn answered softly. 

For a moment, B’Elanna believed her, but then she exhaled and shook her head.  
“Through all this, I’ve relied on you so much. You are my point of reference, whenever I feel overwhelmed or don’t know how to deal with my feelings. You ground me.” She closed her eyes. “But in this case, you are the reason for my feelings… You’re right in the middle of it. So I don’t have a reference, I don’t have a safety…” 

B’Elanna let herself be gathered in Kathryn’s arms. The confusion and exhaustion she felt made her want to sink into the warm embrace and never resurface again.

“You’re safe with me.” Kathryn whispered softly in her ear. 

Her warm breath caressed B’Elanna’s neck and the half-Klingon shivered. Deep down, she knew the other woman was right, that she would always be safe with her, but experience had taught her to be wary of trusting that feeling. She’d learned the hard way that there was no such thing as real security and that letting her guard down could cost her dearly. 

Kathryn sensed her discomfort and gently cupped B’Elanna’s face with her hands, looking her in the eye.  
“I love you.” She whispered. 

B’Elanna looked back at her, seeing both vulnerability and strength in Kathryn’s expression. It was puzzling that such contradictions could exist at the same time.  
The desire to give in was overwhelming. She wanted to just lean closer and surrender to this strong woman, even with the knowledge that there were no guarantees.  
There never were. 

Kathryn’s aquamarine eyes made silent promises that slowly dissolved B’Elanna’s steadfastness and when she leaned in to kiss her, she met no resistance. 

Her lips were warm on B’Elanna’s and their kiss deepened gradually.  
The half-Klingon drew Kathryn closer and her nightgown was removed again without much hassle before eager hands roamed over soft skin. 

“Bedroom.” Kathryn moaned as B’Elanna cupped her buttocks and pulled her close.  
Continuing their kissing, they maneuvered to the other room and Kathryn sank down on the bed, pulling B’Elanna with her. 

Their bodies molded perfectly together, moving in an ancient rhythm effortlessly. B’Elanna’s hand found Kathryn’s breast and she palmed it, caressing the nipple and feeling her lover’s body rise at the contact. She leaned down to suckle on the rosy bud and smiled when she heard Kathryn’s appreciative moan. 

Her hand traveled further down and Kathryn gasped as she trailed a path over her sensitive stomach and continued onwards.  
“B’Elanna…” She moaned huskily and the sound set the half-Klingon’s blood on fire as she softly caressed the other woman before entering her. 

Kathryn’s moans turned guttural at B’Elanna’s gentle but insistent strokes and B’Elanna abandoned the delectable breast beneath her in favor of watching the uncontrolled display of expressions on Kathryn’s face.  
B’Elanna’s heart skipped a beat as her lover’s eyes opened and focused on her. Kathryn had surrendered completely to her touch and it felt as if with every stroke of her fingers she was entering deeper into Kathryn Janeway’s soul as well.

Kathryn’s lips were slightly parted, her breathing coming in short, throaty gasps as she neared her orgasm. It set B’Elanna’s blood on fire and when her lover reached the apex of pleasure, the half-Klingon could have sworn she could feel the pleasure resonate in her own body. 

Panting, Kathryn pulled her lover on top of her, wanting to feel her as close as possible and she let her hands roam leisurely over B’Elanna’s backside. She smiled as B’Elanna kissed her softly on the lips, and rolled them both over to get on top of the half-Klingon.  
“I want you.” She whispered huskily, hungrily kissing her way down.

B’Elanna felt Kathryn’s hot breath against her center and moaned loudly as her lover’s mouth made contact with her flesh. Its warmth seemed to envelop her and she bucked her hips as Kathryn’s tongue darted out, its sandpapery roughness sending waves of pleasure through her. 

She couldn’t really consciously keep track of what her lover was doing. All she knew is that the ministrations flooded her senses and swept her away as unidentified but unmistakably powerful feelings surged through her. She couldn’t control it, couldn’t stop it, and when her orgasm hit with a force she’d rarely experienced before, it was like something inside her exploded, like a dam that had burst and spilled everything it had once contained. 

B’Elanna’s chest heaved as she drew breath and her heart thundered inside it. She noticed Kathryn hovering over her with a questioning look and it wasn’t until she felt the other woman’s hand caressing her cheek that she realized she was crying. She tried to smile, telling the other woman she was okay, but the emotions inside her were too raw and only served to make her cry harder. 

To her surprise, Kathryn simply held her, softly caressing her hair and whispering that it was alright, that she ought to let it all out.  
B’Elanna complied because she felt like there was nothing else she could do. 

“Sorry.” She whispered shakily after a while. “I can’t seem to help it.” 

Kathryn kissed her temple. “Don’t be sorry.” She replied softly. “Crying is cathartic. It’s healthy to let it all out.” 

“This has nothing to do with you, you know.” B’Elanna sniffed, turning her head towards her lover. 

“I know.” Kathryn murmured, continuing her light stroking of B’Elanna’s hair.  
When she noticed the other woman’s breathing slow down, she exhaled softly. “When my father died, I felt like I couldn’t go on.” She whispered. “I loved him dearly and his absence made me feel so empty inside. I cried and I grieved, but the feeling of loss was always there.” She paused for a moment, biting her lip. “Almost two years after his death, I went hiking in the hills. After a long and arduous climb, I reached the top.” She smiled at the memory. “The view was breathtaking, I remember it clear as day, and there I was, proud for making it to the top, awed by the vista… and somehow it struck something deep inside me. The euphoria of the moment tapped into something inside me that I had never let out before. Right there, alone on the top of that mountain, I found myself bawling my eyes out, because my father was dead and I had to live my life without him.” She shook her head. “I was completely overcome with emotions. It seemed so strange to me at the time, but now, looking back at it, I think that was the turning point, the moment where I started grieving and accepting that he was gone…” Her words faded to silence.

“You think that’s what just happened to me?” B’Elanna spoke unsteadily. 

Kathryn turned to look her lover in the eye. “You’ve had a lot of loss in your life. And you’ve not always allowed yourself to deal with it properly…” She paused. “So maybe yes, this could be a start to acceptance, forgiveness, moving on.” 

B’Elanna put her hand on the other woman’s hip. “I hope you’re right…” She whispered. 

“You’ll get there.” Kathryn smiled encouragingly, also putting her arm over her lover in a light hug and kissing her forehead. “Now, maybe you should try to get some sleep.” She uttered softly. “Give yourself some time to heal.” 

B’Elanna nodded almost imperceptibly, her body and mind both utterly spent. And in the safety of Kathryn’s arms, she allowed herself to surrender to unconsciousness. 

~ ~ ~

Kathryn Janeway finished signing the last of the maintenance requests and leaned back in her chair as she thought about her lover. After the emotional night she’d spend with B’Elanna, she’d given the other woman the day off to regain her strength. Her lover had slept peacefully the rest of the night and in the morning, she had made a more coherent impression. Therefore Kathryn had restored her holodeck privileges in the hopes that it would give B’Elanna a boost and speed up her recovery. B’Elanna had smiled, saying that she was in the mood to go waterskiing on Risa. 

Kathryn checked the chronometer and noticed it was almost noon. She smiled, remembering their agreement to have a quick lunch together on the holodeck at the Risa resort.  
She quickly exited her Ready Room and entered the turbolift.

When she arrived at the holodeck, she checked the panel next to the door and noticed that it wasn’t the Risa resort program that was running. Instead the display showed that program ‘Torres zeta one’ was active. 

Kathryn’s eyebrows rose, wondering why B’Elanna had changed her mind about waterskiing when she seemed so enthusiastic about it earlier. She entered the holodeck, curious as to what her lover would be doing instead.

She frowned when she entered and saw a dark cave, and her concern only rose when she heard terrified screams in the distance. Hurrying, she made her way into the cave. A strange scent was in the air and it took her a moment before she realized that the forms strewn on the ground around her were in fact bodies and the smell was the stench of burnt flesh and blood. 

For a moment, fear gripped her heart and she hoped that B’Elanna wasn’t again putting herself in dangerous situations. Then she saw the half-Klingon’s form huddled against the cave wall and she ran over to her lover.  
“B’Elanna!”

The half-Klingon didn’t move and fear gripped Kathryn’s heart as she noticed how she was covered in dirt and blood. She took the other woman’s upper arm and gently shook her.  
“B’Elanna?” 

Dazedly, her lover tilted up her head with a haunted look in her eyes. Yet a hint of relief appeared in them when she saw Kathryn. 

“B’Elanna, are you hurt?” Janeway asked urgently, pointing towards the blood on the half-Klingon’s arms.

“It’s not my blood.” B’Elanna whispered and feebly cocked her head in the direction of the bodies. “It’s theirs.” 

Kathryn frowned and took a closer look to the bodies around her. Some were Cardassian and the others, the ones B’Elanna indicated, were a mix of humans and Bajorans mostly. Her eyes fell on their insignia: they were Maquis. Suddenly, Kathryn’s eyes widened in understanding. This had to be based on B’Elanna’s nightmares in which her Maquis friends got slaughtered.  
“You recreated it.” She whispered, a horrified note creeping into her voice.

B’Elanna exhaled. “I needed to see it with my own eyes…” Her words faded and she swallowed. “Every night, my mind creates the most terrifying scenarios describing how they got killed…” She rubbed her eyes. “Now I’m here and they’re still dead. But at least I feel like I’ve tried to help them…” 

She shivered and Kathryn took her in her arms, holding her tight. B’Elanna clung to the other woman, immensely grateful that she didn’t just yell at her for being irresponsible. 

“Oh B’Elanna.” Kathryn whispered, trying to wrap her mind around her lover’s reasoning. While in theory she could understand, the reality –however simulated– made her stomach turn.  
“I understand you needed to face your demons.” She spoke softly to the other woman. “But I also need to know that you will delete this program from the database now.” 

B’Elanna’s breath was shaky, but she nodded against Kathryn’s shoulder. 

Kathryn exhaled, relieved.  
“Okay.” She spoke, determined. “It’s time to get out of here now.” 

As Kathryn got up, she pulled B’Elanna with her and they stood toe to toe for a moment. B’Elanna locked on to her lover’s eyes as if they were beacons of hope in the sea of misery around her and swallowed as she saw Kathryn nod encouragingly. 

“Computer,” B’Elanna spoke in raw tones, “end program and permanently delete it from the database.” 

As the holographic horror around them vanished and was replaced by the hologrid, B’Elanna suddenly felt beyond tired. Her voice sounded empty when she spoke again.  
“Let’s go home.” 

Mindful of her lover’s state, Kathryn ordered a site-to-site transport to B’Elanna’s quarters and when they materialized in B’Elanna’s living room, she gently took her hands to guide her to the bathroom.  
There she carefully started to take off B’Elanna’s clothes and when she was done, she nudged her lover into the sonic shower. The blood and grime on B’Elanna’s body had been holographic and had thus disappeared when the program ended, but Kathryn knew that it probably felt to B’Elanna like it was still there. The cleaning of her body was a symbolic gesture that her lover needed to go through. 

Kathryn watched B’Elanna as she stood slumped against the shower wall. The half-Klingon looked like she’d returned from the dead and Kathryn mused that it probably felt that way for her as well. 

When the shower cycle ended, the Captain slowly led her lover to bed and tucked her under the covers. Then she took off her jacket and shoes and lay down on the bed next to B’Elanna, lightly placing a kiss on her hair.  
“You’ve slain your demons.” She whispered. “You can sleep now…” 

At her words, B’Elanna exhaled deeply and Kathryn lightly placed her hand on her back, intending to stay with her lover until she was asleep. 

~ ~ ~

B’Elanna opened her eyes a couple of hours later and while she realized immediately she was in her own bed, it took her a moment to figure out how she got there and why the lights were still on. She remembered the events on the holodeck and turned around to find Kathryn sound asleep next to her, still wearing her uniform.

B’Elanna turned again, checking the chronometer. It was late in the evening, and a quick calculation told her she must have slept for five or six hours straight, which was way longer than anything she’d managed in the past couple of months. And for once it wasn’t a nightmare that had violently woken her up. This time it was plain and simple thirst. 

Carefully, as to not disturb her lover, B’Elanna got up and headed towards the replicator for a glass of water and drank it, savoring the cool liquid trickling down her throat. 

B’Elanna just stood for a moment, looking around her quarters as she thought back to her experience on the holodeck. Despite the fact that she’d seen her friends die, despite the fact that she hadn’t been able to save them, she did feel calmer now. There had been a restlessness inside her, fueled by anger, guilt, grief and pain about something that she’d never fully been able to grasp. But on the holodeck, it had finally become real to her. And for the first time, she felt like she could grieve and mourn for her friends’ deaths. The whole experience had given her closure. The fact that had no nightmare just now, filled her with hope and something Kathryn had said to her came to mind: maybe she had slain her demons. 

The thought of Kathryn made her return to bed and she carefully scooted back under the covers. She dimmed the lights to a soft glow and rested her head on the pillow. Kathryn’s features looked almost angelic in the soft light and B’Elanna felt something stir deep inside her at the sight. 

She resisted the urge to reach out and touch her, partly because she didn’t want to wake her, partly because she feared deep down that the woman wasn’t even real.  
But she remembered fragments of feelings and emotions, moments of light in her darkness and she knew that it had been real, even in all the ugliness. Kathryn had seen her in her darkest time, and she was still here. B’Elanna’s heart swelled at what that could mean. Perhaps this time it could be different… Maybe this time it could be real… 

In her sleep, Kathryn felt her lover’s restlessness and reached out her hand to touch her soothingly. “Sshh, I’m here.” She mumbled, not fully awake. 

The half-Klingon felt her heart flutter with emotion inside her chest.  
“Yes you are…” She whispered, suddenly knowing without a doubt that Kathryn would always be there, no matter what.


End file.
